My son is a klepto: finding comfort in soup

Sometimes you just need a big-ass bowl of soup. It’s warm and satisfying…and oh so comforting when you discover that your son is a kleptomaniac at the tender age of 3.

Kleptomania (klep-toe-MAY-nee-uh): the recurrent failure to resist urges to steal items that you generally don’t really need and that usually have little value.

So how can you tell if your spawn is a kleptomaniac? I’ve identified a few warning signs:

This one should’ve been a giant red flag for me, but sometimes a boy just needs a mint or a quick dab of lipgloss. Who am I to deny him these basic human needs?? Plus, I figured I just had to file this under “When the words ‘We Share’ come back and bite you in the ass”.

I let this one slide because I figured food is a necessity. Plus, the timid, little rule-following people-pleaser inside of me kind of secretly respected his lawless gumption.

Annnnnnnd this was the clincher, the point at which I could no longer deny my child’s thievery. I watched in horror as Luke fished this insane assortment of random shit from the pockets of his skinny jeans last week, smugly producing item after item, none of which was his.

“What the f**k?!” I muttered under my breath, my brow in full-on furrow, perplexed as to how these weird-ass trinkets came into his possession.

Side note:

No seriously, like at least 20 times a day.

Jack clogs the toilet (again) and can’t be bothered to let anyone know? What the f**k. Ford comes to the dinner table buck naked, then proceeds to eat noodles off his penis? What the f**k. Luke has an epic meltdown at naptime and summons his mutant superhuman strength to procure a death grip on the doorframe? What the f**k. It just works. But I digress.

I began questioning myself as a mother, as I tend to do often. Where did I go wrong?? How can I fix this?? Is this mini mop, fake housefly and tiny plastic black baby just gateway larceny on the way to grand theft auto?? I needed some comfort food, and fast.

Enter this soup.

Chock full of chicken and veggie goodness swimming in an uber slurpable bone-broth, this piping hot bowl of deliciousness almost made me forget that my son is a petty thief.

I use bone-in chicken legs with the skin still on – the skin adds unmatched flavor in the form of yummy fat drippings that I use to sauté the mirepoix veggies (pronounced meer-pwah – you’re welcome) – a combo of onion, carrot and celery that is used as a base for tons of soups and sauces. And as always, my trusty Le Creuset enameled cast-iron dutch oven is my vessel of choice, getting shit done right every. time.

The soup did its job. With a spoon in my hand and broth in my bowl, the weight of life’s problems seemed manageable again. We returned the stolen goods in question, and I now keep my purse hanging safely on a hook where Luke’s little 40-inch ass can’t reach it. All is right with the world.

Print Recipe

Chicken + Veggie Soup

A big-ass bowl of comfort, perfect for a cold winter night. I use (and ADORE) my Le Creuset enameled cast-iron dutch oven to make this - and any soup, for that matter. It seems silly that a pot should make that much of a difference, but trust me, it does.

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Courses

Soup

Servings

-6 MetricUS Imperial

Ingredients

• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 2 in chicken legs bone+ skin on
• 1 large onion diced small
• 3 large carrots chopped fine
• 3 celery stalks chopped fine
• 3 cloves garlic minced
• 1 tsp dried thyme
• 8 cups reduced-sodium chicken broth
• 1 cup frozen peas
• 1 cup frozen green beans
• sea salt + black pepper to taste

Courses Soup Servings -6 MetricUS Imperial Ingredients 2 tbsp olive oil 2 in chicken legs bone+ skin on 1 large onion diced small 3 large carrots chopped fine 3 celery stalks chopped fine 3 cloves garlic minced 1 tsp dried thyme 8 cups reduced-sodium chicken broth 1 cup frozen peas 1 cup frozen green beans sea salt + black pepper to taste

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Instructions

1. In a large dutch oven or soup pot, heat the olive oil over medium heat. When it's hot, add the chicken, season with a little salt and pepper, then cook about 5 minutes or so, until underside is golden. Flip, season again, and cook another 5 minutes or so, until underside is golden. Remove chicken to a plate and set aside.
2. Add onion, carrots and celery to the pot, season with a little salt and pepper, and stir occasionally, cooking until onions are translucent, about 5-7 minutes.
3. Stir in garlic and thyme, cooking another minute or so, just until garlic is fragrant, but not browned.
4. Remove and discard skin from chicken and place chicken back in pot. Add chicken broth and stir.
5. Raise the heat and bring broth to a boil, then reduce heat to medium-low and simmer covered for about 40 minutes.
6. Remove chicken from the broth, cut into bite-size pieces and return chicken pieces to broth, discarding the bones.
7. Add peas and green beans and stir to incorporate. Cook another 5 minutes or so, just to heat the veggies through.
8. Season to taste with sea salt and pepper.
9. Enjoy curled up under a blankie for extra comfort.